Poetic Distaste

New Website

Laurie — Thu, 03 Jun 2010 02:08:11 +0000

Well I finally did it. www.poeticdistaste.com is now me. Please go there for updated content. Eventually all wordpress content will be moved over, including comments. Thanks everyone!

Filed under: My Writing

Have I changed? Can you tell?

Laurie — Fri, 14 May 2010 03:16:37 +0000

I’ve been going through a lot of thought processes lately, on multiple levels. Philosophy, feminism, war and relationships, none of it’s forbidden. I’ve come to some conclusions, though I won’t say how realistic or ‘accurate’ they are, and I feel like I have a clearer idea of what it means to be human. To myself, at any rate. We’re in the 21st century, and many would say we’ve reached our peak in terms of development.
I don’t think that’s the case, however. As a species, we’re still very very young; in that time we’ve matured, developed and lost civilizations, tapped in to creativity in so many different ways – working with elements, stone and earth, art, writing, painting, music, lost more civilizations, and created more in terms of beauty and pleasure. And with each new culture or civilization, core things changed. Our views on humankind, and our treatment of one another, have matured drastically; it wasn’t till the 1800s that the owning of slaves was an issue, and women didn’t get the right to vote till the early 1900s. Is it so odd to think that we still have changes in the works, in terms of cultures both global and local? Our ideals on relationships, responsibility, morals and so on are influenced by those around us, by the people who raise us – or don’t, and by the good, and bad, things that happen to us. Individually, we’ll grow at different rates, but as a people, again global or local, our growth is slower, marked by shifts in public opinion. Those shifts are often influenced by the media, which is something we need to show more responsibility for, but our humanity is still developing.

Have I changed? Is it noticeable, or am I imagining things? I feel like I’ve changed; not that I have a clearer view of anything, but that I’m realizing there’s something to view as a whole. With time it clarifies; eventually I will see the whole.

Filed under: My Writing

I can do it. Cleaning schedule for depression, writing website.

Laurie — Wed, 12 May 2010 02:12:01 +0000

I’m proud of myself. Yesterday I had a visit with my CMHA caseworker, and a few positive ideas emerged afterward. We set up a cleaning schedule, splitting the stuff that needs to be done to keep an apartment clean into 6 days with Sunday as a sort of… light day, and today was my first attempt at following it. I did the stuff I wanted to, and realized I was ok with doing a little bit more. The bird cage has now been cleaned out – I’ll post pictures in a bit – and I got dishes done, gathered up recycling, started a load of laundry, vacuumed, and put away some more dishes. I know it seems simple, but this is the stuff I struggle with when I’m depressed. It’s so easy to get out of hand, too, which just leads to more issues with my mood and energy levels dropping.

But I can do it. I think following the schedule will help a fair bit, because it breaks the tasks down into manageable chunks.

Also, I’ve decided I’m going to experiment with a few things in terms of writing.

The first, and probably the most overwhelming if I’m not careful, is publishing. I sent off the majority of my typed up work to a trusted friend of mine; he’s helping me sort through it to figure out whats worth publishing at the moment, or would be with revisions. Once we’ve done that I’m going to either self-publish, or submit a few pieces to contests and what not. The self-publishing isn’t my first choice, but that may simply be because I’m biased.

Either way, it should be an amazing experience, if I’m careful of how I do it, and who knows. It could be what I need to break into writing as some sort of career, or at least self-sufficient hobby.

On top of that, I’m planning on building a website with another friend – likely just be www.poeticdistaste.com, which would mean transfering all my writing and whatnot over there. Would allow me to have adds, however, which would be helpful on a financial level. So far, I’ve decided the main – sections, for lack of a better word – for the site will be writing (divided in to sub-sections most likely), daily thoughts, possibly the theories idea if I develop enough of them to warrant a section, and possibly cooking & growing herbs (as one section). I’ll have to be careful to keep it simple and easy to navigate, but that may come with time.

For today, things are good.

Filed under: Blogging, Depression, Mental Health, My Writing, Personal Life, Weekly Goals

Where’s Waldo?

Laurie — Tue, 11 May 2010 21:48:25 +0000

Filed under: My Writing

Laurie — Sun, 09 May 2010 21:48:24 +0000

The mysteries of having a borderline personality stretch far beyond the imagination, testing our strength in frequently shifting unknown waters. Our emotions swell in the storm of rage that is disappointment and rejection, undulating with the passage of time and change; symptoms of our struggle vary widely. Depression and frenetic, almost frantic attachments run foremost as indicators, but the struggles are so embedded in the core of who we are that it’s hard to pinpoint just when it began. Common studies are indicating that causes include childhood abuse – physical, emotional and sexual, and repeated messages that our feelings don’t’ matter. Sometimes it’s as if we’ll float away without our anchor holding us down, and it seems we’re always at war with ourselves.

You’ll gain our trust quick and lose it faster, a lightning switch from calm reason to broken self-doubt at the slightest provocation; the nature of borderline indicates that a broken trust simply can’t be rebuilt, and getting past this barrier to form a lasting relationship is generally overwhelming to those around us. The search for validation has begun early, a desperation for the world to see what we can’t believe exists, but are afraid to live without. Personally, one of the most frustrating parts of struggling with borderline personality disorder is the ongoing confusion; it’s never-ending, a constant search for the image of ourselves in the people around us. With as intensely as we feel emotions, often to the point of forgetting we’ve ever felt any differently than we do here in this moment, we’re either thrilling to be around, or absolutely overwhelming.

Our sadness becomes an ocean, and our anger the crack of thunder and tearing metal as we scream. Unfortunately, social circumstances and expectations are a foreign world, and I’m always on the outside looking in. I see the same sense of being lost in translation in those around me, that slightly bewildered “What did I do wrong” look of terror and fear in their eyes. What seems natural to someone of a “normal” background is to us beyond the ability to comprehend.

The man beside me eats with an almost panicked pace, bending his head to meet the rise of his fork with every bite, like that of a small bird stealing food from a vulture. Listening to him speak, you can see he’s got intelligent, well thought out ideas, but verbalizing them seems to be a task of monumental proportions. What was it that gave his life such a burden of anxiety, translated into every movement and sound he makes?

When I think objectively of myself, I find I don’t like certain facets of my personality; I’m incredibly vulnerable to criticism, even as I acknowledge and understand that it’s often constructive. It simply makes me feel as if who I am will never be enough, and I feel unworthy of attention.

Filed under: Articles, Blogging, Depression, Mental Health, My Writing, Personal Life, Personal Theories

Suddenly – Writing – Weekly Goals May ’6 2010

Laurie — Fri, 07 May 2010 04:05:57 +0000

It’s like I’ve flipped a switch in my mind, as I’ve said and felt about so many other things in my life. I realized today that as long as I put words to paper I will be a writer; the rest will follow. The question remains what type, and what I’ll do with it, but those depend on how hard I work; at heart, words are largely what make me who I am. It’s a weird concept, but in a way it relates to the idea of believing something will happen. The theory floating around about that is one I”m not entirely comfortable with, but the basic concept is one I agree with.

Anyway, if writing is what I want I have to work on it.

Goals for the week:

Write one basic journal entry a day, and article-style entries twice a week
- specifically an entry on herb growing progress, good and bad, with photos, for Friendly Flavors
- an entry on cooking? Find a meal I don’t cook often, I’m bored. Pork chop recipes..
Work on clarity and style; experiment with laying concepts out before writing, especially for theories etc.
Keep doing the brainstorm blurbs (notebook)
Keep experimenting with using images and formatting
Use more tags!
Finish reading Vindication (due back on the 10th.)
Go through the rough drafts here on WordPress again, publish one if possible. (Edited)

Will be interesting to see how many of these I accomplish, but at least I’ve got an idea of where I’m heading, and things I’d like to work on. Will check back on Thursday next week.

Filed under: Blogging, My Writing, Personal Life, Weekly Goals Tagged: blogging, careers, future, goals, Writing

Gypsy Woman

Laurie — Wed, 05 May 2010 17:07:22 +0000

Hilary Duff – Stranger

The topic of feminism is one I’ve never been able to delve too deeply into, but I’m starting to find that my feelings and opinions are developing more. Feminism to me has always been about choice, but sometimes we as a society have to consider the actions of the past in choosing the present and future, and whether we allow it to influence our decisions.

I speak here of belly dancing being thought a form of sexual exploitation. (Namely, harem dancing, etc.) As a society, how do we handle that? Personally, and I mean no offense to anyone here, we’ve got to let go a lot of the stuff that happened in the past – say hundreds of years ago. You see this come up a lot in conflicts between Native Americans and the government for reparation funds. It’s not that I believe we – the white race, or more specifically the British government – did the right thing. But how long do we continue paying for our grandparents mistakes? Especially when those grandparents have been long dead; I do think funding, among other things, needs to be dealt with, but not because someone 200 years ago made mistakes. It needs to happen because the cultures and traditions and knowledge are important, and can teach us a lot; now, and in the future. Money should be spent on growth and cultural development, giving people from all cultures an opportunity to grow and be strong and teach.

Our diversity is what makes us strong, but that brings me to the point; when it comes to something simple and cosmetic as belly dancing, should someone be looked down on because they do what at one point meant you were a lower part of society but is now considered an art form?

NOTE: This entry isn’t entirely finished, but WordPress keeps refusing to let me cut text to edit it. -.-

Filed under: Blogging, My Writing, Personal Theories

Vindication: A Life of Mary Wollstonecraft

Laurie — Tue, 04 May 2010 15:52:40 +0000

Vindication: A life of Mary Wollstonecraft

Similar to two books Mary Wollstonecraft published in the late 1700s, Vindication is a passage of understanding of the author herself, written some two hundred years after her life. Perhaps too flowery for myself, it does nevertheless manage to hint at the frame of mind a woman in the 1780s might have experienced. To me that has, so far, been the most important concept; the 18th century ideals seem quite foreign to most people now. Presented almost as a stroll through a sprawling, fragrant garden, the author pauses to note surprising details, bringing our attention to various theories without leaning too heavily towards any one in particular. I have to admit, reading this I’ve come to admire what Mary Wollstonecraft stood for, and the way she did it. One of the major topics in the book, and Mary’s life, is one of supreme frustration to myself.

Feminism.

I hear and see so many things that say women need to pick their role in life, whether its children and a family or a career, and I just can’t believe it. For so many years the roles were greatly distinct – men brought in the money, shot the enemies and so on, while women had children, ran the household, and obeyed their husbands. Fortunately, that’s been going through a drastic change, but I don’t think it’s went far enough. Men and women play very specific roles in rearing a child, and both need to be involved equally; the father that’s always away working and spending time with the guys leaves a gaping hole in a child’s psyche, the same as a woman would if she were continuously absent. If the balance is achieved, with both parents working and raising their kids, spending time with them and listening, chances are high in my opinion that the child will have a strong background. It also provides an important family role model – that of cooperation and teamwork, strength and independence melding with the ability to work with each others strengths.

For me this ideal of what a family is couldn’t be farther than the reality, because my own family was so drastically old-fashioned. That brings me back to the book, though. The point of being feminist, of not being stuck as family caretaker, is simply the right to choose, and the ability and will to stand up for ourselves. Mary Wollstonecraft displays that knack quite well for a woman of her time, in both personal and professional methods; I think it’s an important lesson for us to learn. The grace she seems to have conducted herself with throughout conflict is something I admire. Although I do find the writing flowery, as I said, the authors voice doesn’t overwhelm the content as it very well could have, given the controversy that surrounds some of Mary Wollstonecraft’s life.

All in all, well worth reading.

Filed under: Blogging, My Writing, Personal Theories, Reading Corner Tagged: family, Feminism, Mary Wollstonecraft, relationships

WordPress Frustrations

Laurie — Tue, 04 May 2010 15:25:41 +0000

I’ve tried to customize my blogs theme, and keep running into the same problem. I’m looking for a top navigation header, to lead to specific categories – my writing, my poetry, my blogs and my articles (those aren’t really the titles I’d use, but they’ll suffice for now.) Problem is, the themes that have the feature just…yuck. They don’t fit me, too bland and dark. I love the functionality, but the themes make me cringe, and I don’t like the layouts in most of them. If I could figure out how to get the pages in the header to actually lead to the category post lists like I want them to, I’d be set. Unfortunately, I haven’t figured that out. Yet.

Edit: I got it!!!!!!!!!!!!

On the other hand, I’m still writing a decent amount in some ways, and teaching myself how to use WordPress in all its glory. I love the site, I really do.

Anyway, I’ve got another review ready for the Reading Corner, this time a biography on Mary Wollstonecraft, and will be typing that up later. Also, I finally got back to taking my meds regularly, and not losing them. Go me! That’s actually something I struggle with often, so this is a definite plus. The last few days I’ve felt better than I have in some time. I haven’t felt picked on like I had, and I’ve had less dark thoughts – rumination in the words of Martha Linehan – cycling through my head. Have to admit I rather like the difference. That’s it for now, though.

Filed under: Articles, Blogging, Wordpress Rants

Walls

Laurie — Sat, 01 May 2010 02:17:09 +0000

Caged between these walls
I can feel you staring at me,
Eyes, eyes, everywhere their presence glares.

Hands clench on iron bars,
ice cold to the heat of my blood
and the pulse of terror beating fast.

Let me out
Don’t look at me
Don’t say my name

I’m not your puppet to control,
my strings are broken and my mind shattered,
lying in pieces throughout the fields of our despair,
and waiting for you to pounce,
picking away at the small things
to leave the hope I’ve sown hour by hour
bare and vulnerable.

I want you to leave me be,
give me the space to find my way
with the solid platform of your support
bracing my thoughts.
When I fall, your hand I’ll grab,
but till then, the small mistakes I call my own.

Filed under: Depression, Mental Health, My Poetry, My Writing

Poems, Violence, Life.

Laurie — Sat, 01 May 2010 01:54:30 +0000

It’s been a few days since my last entry; in that time not a lots happened, but I think I’ve made some positive decisions, and maybe some not-so-positive ones. Bought new batteries for my camera – turns out it’ll run on double a’s, go figure. I’m really looking forward to going through them, and uploading one or two to WordPress. Also, I’ve gotten a decent amount of writing done, on a wider variety of subjects than I was honestly expecting.

I’ve also decided I’m not going to bother doing flowers in the front yard, although I do want to in a way; it just doesn’t feel worth the effort. Dealing with my landlord is fast becoming something I detest the thought of. Financially I think I’ve most likely screwed up a bit, but the odd thing is the purchases etc were ALL worthwhile/productive, and for the most part chose with cost in mind. Unfortunately, I did buy too many. Side note: did you know buying strawberry plants is incredibly exciting? That’s actually the most interesting topic of the day: I have herbs! Specifically, pretty green ones that make me want to stick my nose in them. Would be funny if I managed to get myself bit doing that. I’ll be taking pictures of the plants, once the ones I nearly killed today recover.

Hint: Placing herbs outside is all well and good. However, DO remember to provide shade so they’re not baking all day, and ensure that they’re moist where appropriate. Otherwise you’ll be up for plant murder, and we wouldn’t want that, now would we?

I’ve been putting a lot of effort into maintaining my relationships with people, or at least a few very important ones, and I’m finding the concept of getting what you give to be very accurate. It’s funny – or maybe it’s not, but anyway – over the last few years I’ve cut off pretty much all of my friends and family, some by choice, some for my health/safety, and some just by drifting apart. The ones I really care about have for the most part come back to me, and our relationships seem stronger and healthier than they were before. I’m able to give more to them, too. Guess it really is true, let free what you love and if it’s meant to be it’ll come back…

Filed under: Blogging, Depression, Finances, Mental Health, My Poetry, My Writing, Personal Life

The Effects of Meds

Laurie — Sun, 25 Apr 2010 22:15:16 +0000

For the longest time I’ve felt like my meds didn’t have any noticeable effect on my life, but I’m starting to see a pretty striking coincidence. When I go through periods of not taking them, my energy levels are down, I tend to sleep twice as much, and want to sleep more even after that, and I tend to struggle with finding even a reason to do anything, whether it’s clean or write or simply talk to family. Seems odd that it would have that kind of impact on my life, but at the same time I’ve been increasingly more stable, in the mood disorder sense, over the last 3 years. Unfortunately, the other symptoms of depression seem to have increased in severity.

The good thing is, when I take them regularly, which is my goal in any case, the symptoms are more manageable. No less frustrating, perhaps, but more in my control. Fortunately, I’ve got plans this week that should address a few things I’ve struggled with in mental-health terms. Not quite sure why having the dry erase bulletin board helped so much with being organized – surely there are other methods of accomplishing the same thing – but I find myself really missing it. Martha’s said that we’re going to go to home hardware stores etc in search of ‘products’ that will allow me to hang stuff (including the dry erase board) on the wall, so it’s possible I will be more organized again within the next week or so. (Also, I picked up a day planner for free yesterday. That should help a bit too.)

The not so positive part of this is the fact that I’m finding myself absolutely terrified to go to the writers group tomorrow. I’ve got an email address, so theoretically I can just email, ask a few questions and find out if it’s OK if I drop by. Unfortunately, I seem very resistant to the idea, and every time I try to think about it my mind shuts down. Rather irritating…

The longer I live with depression, the more familiar I become with its ups and downs, and the more like my best friend it seems.

Filed under: Mental Health, Personal Life

Hope

Laurie — Fri, 23 Apr 2010 19:54:01 +0000

Well, today was my first time at one of the Coffee Culture groups run by CMHA, and I have to say I enjoyed it. First, who can complain at free lunch? Can’t say I enjoyed the sandwich I ordered, but I tried it, which for me is difficult. Ugh, tomatoes… Anyway, ended up talking about buying jewelry and clothing etc, and places to get nice stuff around Goderich, at a budget. One of the stores, New Again (used consignment shop) is actually REALLY nice. I’m so looking forward to spending 20$ next month.

It’s silly, but – for some reason, going there and seeing all the beautiful ornaments and lamps and books and clothing, shoes, necklaces etc… I realized I can have nice stuff, on a budget, without feeling hopeless. I didnt’ have that before; everything felt so pointless, and at times it was hard just to get out of bed, and I didn’t even want to think about buying things for fun. Now, though, I CAN buy things for fun, without spending all my money, and it’s such an amazing feeling.

Part of the reason this is so exciting is the tired feeling I’ve had so often lately. Been really pushing myself to do things, to take on responsibility and get out there more; that’s great, but the problem is I’ve tried to do too much with the idea of working towards getting a job. For a long time I’ve felt like if I didnt’ I was being irresponsible, because ODSP isn’t going to support me forever. Problem with that is I’ve pushed myself, feeling guilty because I haven’t been working, and feeling like I have to get a job in case something bad happens. Fortunately, talking to my councilor, I’ve been told if they come to the point where ODSP thinks I’m better, I won’t be thrown out in the cold. I’d be given a transition period, and they’ll work with me. Just… a bit reassuring. Kinda funny, but the longer I’m on ODSP, the more vulnerable I feel, and yet I’m not ready to get a job. I know I’m not; thankfully, both Martha and Ron agree with that.

For now, the things I”m doing are enough for me. I’ll take baby steps, keep rewarding myself when I fight old habits, and move on with my life.

Filed under: Finances, Mental Health, My Writing

Until everything burns

hornylittlebunnie — Fri, 23 Apr 2010 19:47:18 +0000

Have you ever had a song touch you? Just for some reason, it makes your chest feel full and tight, and you don’t even know why? You find the corners of your eyes stinging with unshed tears, and you sing the song despite your inability?

‘Till everything burns
While everyone screams
Burning their lies
Burning my dreams
All of this hate
And all of this pain
I’ll burn it all down
As my anger reigns
‘Till everything burns

I have no idea why this song is so powerful to me, but it is.

Comments or what have you? You know where the buttons are, and thank you Laurie for letting me post on your Blog ^^

So I heard from my landlord today…

Laurie — Wed, 21 Apr 2010 21:25:27 +0000

And I have to say I’m absolutely NOT impressed. I’d called him to ask if he had any suggestions about methods of hanging stuff on the walls, since he’d asked me not to use nails, since the adhesive hooks method I’d tried originally simply didn’t work, usually resulting in a disconcerting thud at 3am. Apparently, “there are products out there” that will do the job; I suppose I’m simply to go on a spending spree, trying one after the other till I find something that works? Of course, he knows I’m on disability income, and that I live in a mental health housing program – ie limited funds – but apparently that doesn’t matter. Anyway, I’m to talk to my housing facilitator, who is actually the person who told me to talk to him bout the issue in the first place, and find out what she has to suggest.Also, my putting holes in the wall will eventually result in a ’3000$ paint job for them’; not positive why, but that sounded condescending to me.

So, I play run-around on the subject, I guess. Not sure how I feel about his response on the flower question I’d asked, but again it kind of came off as… condescending. I understand – and agree – with the need to make sure that whatever I plant doesn’t interfere with the other residents of the house, or with lawn care etc, but I think I already made that point when I called to ask. Now apparently I have to almost – ask permission to plant. Wtf.

All I wanted was to plant some flowers, some little – peonies or w/e the fuck you wanna call them, a little splash of color here and there so I can smile at it. Nothing major, nothing extravagant. I told Martha I wanted simple, easy to care for stuff. Now I’m told the landlords wife will be by over the weekend, and I can “discuss it with her then”, “make sure it’s ok with them”. GRRR! I’ve already tried to make sure I do what they want when they ask, even letting him in w/o the 24 hour notice because he wanted to check the fire extinguisher charges, but… I’m an adult, damnit. Give me some benefit of having common sense, won’t you please?

Filed under: Housing, Mental Health, Personal Life